I’ve been praying and thinking a lot lately (like that’s any different than normal!) about my marriage, prayers since the divorce (February 2002), etc . . I’ve been feeling guilty for all that has happened since the divorce . . where do I start in writing this . .? and, yes, writing is necessary as it helps me see it all more clearly . . and maybe seeing where I’ve been and the struggles I’ve gone through in the path to obedience to Him can help someone else . . . now mind you, as I start to explain in my disjointed fragmented sentence stream-of-consciousness style of writing, this is only my perception and (sometimes fuzzy) recollection of all that has happened . . I am simply stating what I remember and how I misdealt with it . . please forgive any inaccuracies or misperceptions. .
So, what led to the divorce . .?
Well, to paraphrase, I’d say lack of spiritual maturity in both of us, drug addiction, etc . .
So here’s where I made my initial mistake . .
When he wanted us to move to housing in Chicago I should have been an obedient wife and gone. For many reasons the plan seemed bizarre and illogical but, in the long run, it would have been best for our family.
Next mistake? I never should have made him move out. That terminated our marriage even before the divorce papers were filed.
I didn’t pray for my husband from day one (1). That mistake guaranteed failure.
From there there were a miriad of mistakes from dating new men instead of praying for Hector to having live-in boyfriends (if you could even call them that).
And yes, he was also dating others and had moved on somewhat. We both went through years when we didn’t date. . . me because I realized I had nothing to offer a decent guy . . that was 7+ yrs completely single concentrating on my life . . and then, on approximately April 18, 2013, I realized that every man I dated was not measuring up to Hector (my exhusband) and that I kept almost calling every guy I dated “Hector” . . . I prayed and prayed and God answered. . probably because I was finally ready to hear the truth . . He told me I need to be praying for my husband . . the husband He had finally given me . . the husband I gave up on . .
Funny how all this happened and then I was proposed to!! I had to turn him down. I had to obey God.
I began to redo my Bible study on being a wife . . and really look at what it meant for who I had and hadn’t been in my marriage. . that was rough but very very necessary!!
Then, in 2015, I was able to finally find Hector and his family online (hadn’t known where he was until then) and contacted him. He said he had a girlfriend and asked if that was okay.. . . I said that I didn’t have a right to tell him no, but that’s not what I felt . . how could I tell him all I felt . .? He was able to meet us briefly and brought Matt a bike, which Matt loved. I was so excited he was coming to visit . . so excited . . but he showed up with his girlfriend and that completely shut my feelings for him back down . . well, maybe not so much shut down, but how do you greet your husband with love and passion when his girlfriend is with him? I was lost and hurt and went all cold inside . . what should I have done? No idea . .
Over the next week he and I maintained a fairly open and honest text relationship . . he was away in Florida working on the girlfriend’s daughter’s house and could text freely . . it was nice . . I enjoyed the opportunity to get to know each other again. But, when he returned to Chicago, the girlfriend read the texts and blew up . . even going so far as to call and threaten me!! It was crazy and scary . . and Hector defended me and told her not to talk to the mother of his son that way . . my hero!! 🏆
And then he blocked 🚫 me on Facebook and we spoke no more . . but my heart was still his, only very wounded . . I bought the Love Dare book and began that process . . I got past day 30 of the dare (taking days on each daily dare) with no response from him . . still I was praying. . I lost my home and we lived innour car . . and still I was praying for my husband . . I bought a sailboat and moved from Joliet to Toledo . . and still I was doing the Love Dare and praying and fasting and crying out to God . . with still no answer/reaction from my husband . . I bought ’31 Days of Prayer for Your Future Husband’ and tried to be open to whomever God had for me . . tried to make others fit that mold, but no other man can be my Hector.
And, mistake, I began to question the process and His Will in all of this . . there I was alone with no sign anything I was doing was even remotely working . . I was trying to have faith in the unseen, but it was beckoming more and more of a struggle!
And I began to wonder if I’d misunderstood Him . . I began to look around and wonder if there was someone else He had for me . . . . but the criteria were strict and 99.9% of the men I met weren’t living anywhere near an overcomer’s life . . most were drinking and cussing, etc . . then we started back at church . . maybe someone there? But the one’s who flirted weren’t voluntarily wholeheartedly praising and worshipping. . not the men for me . . at this point, although I was trying to stay in His will I was grasping at straws. . . I was looking for someone He had already given me . . someone He was working on in Chicago while He was working in me in Toledo!!
And so . .?
I am back to seriously (even more seriously, if that’s possible) praying for Hector and for our marriage. . . and also, more importantly, I am growing in Him . . becoming the woman I should have been a long long time ago . .